Six months ago I started a written journey that has evolved in ways I could not have imagined. I made the decision to take my writing from journal to public forum. I thought that maybe I could examine this role of motherhood that I have been growing into for almost thirty years and give myself some insights and yes maybe assuage some guilt and correct some fumbles I had experienced along the way. Much like motherhood, the journey has been awe inspiring and as frightening as anything. Complete strangers can read what I write and comment or not. They didn’t need to be nice. I could not expect that. Yet I made the decision to put myself out there no matter what the reaction might be. I was doing this for myself.
I wasn’t quite sure how to go about all of this. I’m not that computer savvy and yet I did set up my own blog site. Not that it was all that hard, I mean they practically do it for you but I was proud of my accomplishment. I also aligned myself with other bloggers to try to figure out what they were doing right. Many had published beyond their personal blog and I wanted to learn that. It is an interesting community to be a part of. There are so many voices, so many points of view. Who was I to think that mine could offer any other insights or topics that hadn’t been written about ad nauseum? But I barreled through, examining life as a mom with two children.
Having the opportunity to raise a child from birth is a both a blessing and a daunting task. There is so much responsibility, lots of doubts, a few regrets. I know I have not had my finest moments in dealing with some situations. It’s a relief that my children have reached adulthood relatively unscathed or so I believe. I don’t think any parent can truly know what their impact, good or bad, has been on their child’s development. I have said before in this forum that we all just do the best we can with what we have. And would I truly want to know my negative impact if they needed to tell me? Could I handle it?
Yet I look at who they have become and I am so proud. And I know I had something to do with that as well. Now I am looking at things almost thirty years out. Some old adages tell parents that they will ruin their child’s life not matter what they do but I think children do well despite some of their parent’s actions. I’ve known people who have come out of horrendous family situations and yet their strength and resilience has seen them through. Others are not so lucky. Maybe Darwin was on to something when he wrote about survival of the fittest. The issue with humans is the complex emotional life that we have makes that lack of survival a tragedy, sometimes with horrible consequences if that person lashes out. We have seen evidence of this far too often in recent times.
I have become a writer, yes, I dare to say it! It has been cathartic for me to write about these things. Some of my blogs have veered into the political and religious realms, topics I had no intention of ever discussing but these are uncertain times. I worry about the world and my children’s lives in it. And if I am to have a voice why must I censor what I say? Isn’t that the point of coming into a public forum? Still, six months later I only have my toes in the water and it’s a huge ocean out there. How far do I walk in? That remains to be seen. For now I will just enjoy each wave as it comes my way.
For my birthday recently I was given several beautiful journals and lovely pens. There could have been no better affirmation from my friends and family that I should continue writing. I am grateful for the support of all who read my blogs and yes even those who do not agree with me and say so. That is all part of the territory. But whether they agree or disagree the one common factor is that they are all reading. And it’s that I appreciate most.